There's a new God in Town

In a move surprising to everyone but his omnipotent self, Charlie Sheen has fired God and taken control of the universe.

Sheen, winner of Academy Awards for his roles in such critically-acclaimed films as Major League and Hot Shots! Part Deux, as well as spokesman for Fruit of the Loom undergarments, made this announcement while spinning the planets on his fingertips. "I'm hot. I'm life. I'm the man, or should I say, THE DEITY," he said during a radio interview broadcast from heaven. "God wasn't getting it done, you know? The world was jacked up. Lots of dirty laundry and nothing but fabric softener. I'm an atom bomb, a tsunami, an earthquake. I'm continental shift in a bottle. I'm nuclear fusion, bro. The universe needed me to complete my self-actualization and assume control like I was meant to."

Sheen had been under fire for his alleged addictions and self-destructive, narcissistic behavior. A series of public rants, binge parties and police encounters had led CBS executives to delay production of Sheen's hit TV show, Two-and-a-Half Men. The show, which Sheen says is named for his prowess as a lover, has been the number one rated sitcom for several years, due to Sheen's unparalleled acting skills and a laugh track which enhances the same tawdry joke week after week. Sheen was receiving $2 million per episode, a sum which now pales in comparison to his ability to mine the cores of stars for any element he chooses. "I'm a black hole; the world flows through me, man. I'm the Big Bang. I'm not king of the world, dude, I'm king of eternity. I'm the Alpha and Omega."

Sheen's first move as God was to take over every television and cable network in the world and replace them with SHEENGOD TV, a network featuring nothing but Sheen shows and movies. "There's really no need for anything else," he said. "I AM the networks, Direct TV, every Cable provider, XM radio, Syrius, Sling Box, Red Box and Juke Box in human form." SHEENGOD TV is expected to receive a boost from the fact that all universal remote controls do nothing but tune the world to Sheen.

Potential rival Alec Baldwin offered his temporary, though unenthusiastic, support of Sheen as Deity and Proprietor of the Universe. "It's mine when I want it, but Charlie's a supernova, so I'll let the world worship him for now," Baldwin said.

Yahweh, the Being formerly known as God, could not be reached for comment.