Bald is Cool, and Here's Proof

First, let’s get one thing straight. I’m not totally bald. I have hair. The proper term is “balding,” since the hair that remains is on the slight side. Technically, most adults are balding at least a little, except for the ears. Since I’ve never been a fan of “bald spots”—especially the ones in the middle of the head, I prefer to buzz my head because I like the way it looks.

That being said, I am mostly bald. I’m not embarrassed by that fact. I don’t care. I haven’t spent a dime on shampoo, conditioner, or a haircut in 10 years. That leaves more money for golf.

The fact that I’m writing this blog—you say—means that something about being bald bothers me. I’ll tell you what it is. It’s not the lack of hair. It’s the jokes—the constant, inane, vapid, surely-plagiarized attempts at being funny at my expense. If I’ve heard one, I’ve heard them all. Students in my youth ministry think they are funny when they drop one on me. Their faces get all contorted as the smirk rises from their lower lip. I can see they are ready to explode, like they’ve discovered a treasure the world has been looking for. And then it comes. The punchline. “And you’re….bald! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

I swear kids have used some form of the same joke more times than I’ve seen the Office episode where Dwight cuts the face off the CPR dummy.

So today, in defense of baldness—and in defense of good comedy—I present my celebrity-verified proof that being bald is supremely cool. Check this out:

10) Dwayne Johnson
If your nickname is “The Rock,” you are doing something right. Everyone knows Johnson was a WWE star before going to Hollywood, but did you know he was a Division 1 football player at Miami? And did you know that in 2013, his movies earned 1.3 billion, making him the top grossing actor in the world. But what makes him so sexy is the fact that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. That’s why he can play Hercules and the Tooth Fairy. That takes follicles, people.


9) Bruce Willis
Yippee Ki Yay! Bruce Willis is indestructible! He survived a murderous genius terrorist (Die Hard). He survived a train crash (Unbreakable). And most impressively, he survived being married to the Demi Moore. The only time Bruce died was the time he didn’t realize he was dead. How cool is that? My sixth sense tells me this guy loves being bald.


8) Jason Stratham
I’ve never seen a Fast and Furious movie, a fact I’m proud of, actually. But I have to admit that Jason Stratham is so cool, you need an entire truckload of paper towels to wipe the cool factor that oozes from that gorgeous bald head of his.


7) Samuel L. Jackson
The sleek black man whose middle name is Leroy always finds the coolest movies to star in — Shaft, Hateful 8, Pulp Fiction, Django Unchained, Iron Man, etc. Some might argue against his inclusion in this list because he sometimes wears a cap or beanie. I am certain this is not to hide his bald head; but to add a little more style. This guy is Capital One Platinum all the way.


6) Woody Harrelson
Woody is a classic case of “balding.” Most of the time he keeps the fringe cut to a nice fresh length. That’s confidence. The boy who started out as a simple bartender on Cheers ended up being a much bigger star than the well-coiffed Ted Danson ever was. The Hunger Games, War for the Planet of the Apes, No Country for Old Men, Solo, Natural Born Killers, True Detective, Three Billboards — it seems like he’s been in about 25% of all the great movies of the last 20 years. There’s something edgy, yet lovable, about Woody, and it all starts up top.


5) Mr. Clean
Who would trust a guy named Mr. Clean if he had hair? Who wants hair on their floor, on their counter-top, or in their sink? If Mr. Clean had hair, he’d have to wear a hairnet (totally uncool). His bald head makes the shiny earring and square jawline all the more striking. Props to Proctor for taking a Gamble on a bald guy to be their lead spokesmen. I’d say it paid off.

mr clean.jpg

4) Michael Jordan
Who can argue with this choice? He’s got the class. He’s got the rings. He’s got the reputation as the greatest ever to play the game. Who knows; hair might have gotten in his eyes when he was knocking down daggers or crushing opponents. Hair would have detracted from the iconic tongue protruding from his championship mouth. Bald is beautiful and great. Be like Mike.


3) Yul Brynner
He’s a little before my time, but when you look at the pictures, you see how incredibly cool this cat was. Confidence flowed from his pores. He was hairless—and shirtless—on Broadway, for 4,625 performances of the King and I. His crown will always shine brighter than the rest.


2) Sean Connery
Yes, in his James Bond days, he had hair. But as he aged, he went with the (lack of) flow, and he just got sexier and sexier. I think his hair fell out of his head because his gorgeous lilting Scottish voice melted it off. Whatever the case, Sean Connery is one of the greatest actors in history, and his gradually-appearing scalp only increased the mystique and appeal.


1) Patrick Stewart
Women love him. Men want to be him. The man who played Captain Picard is the El Capitan of all the bald men in history, with a humble confidence, refined taste, and courageous resolve. Oh, and he saved Earth from the Borg. I love to imagine the very first time Patrick’s barber asked if he’d like to have his head shaved. I’m sure he uttered those immortal words that forever changed our view of baldness throughout the universe. “Make it so.”


BONUS: And just so I don’t get accused of chauvinism: Ava from Ex Machina is quite alluring, in a scary robotic sort of way. I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her to put a wig on. She doesn’t need it.


Okay, my bald-faced rant is over. Bald is cool. There’s no denying it. You can stop making dumb jokes about being blinded by the reflection, about billiard or bowling balls, or whatever else you think is hilariously original. . You aren’t even aesthetically accurate. I close with a joke.

Q: How do you make dandruff?
A: From scratch

Now that’s funny!