In a move designed to remove the human element and gain complete control of all facets of the game and its outcomes, the NFL announced Monday that all rosters and officiating crews will now be comprised solely of league-controlled robots.
Commissioner Roger Goodell announced the move from his New York Headquarters. In a press conference with inventor Elon Musk by his side, Goodell revealed the new “players” for 2020. Known as LAPDOGS (League Authorized Programmable Digitally Optimized G-force Sportsbots), the robots will mimic the human actions of sentient players, without the unique, athletic or surprising moves that the NFL has found it difficult to officiate. Each of the LAPDOGS will be programmed with 666 presets in order to carry out the league's view of a perfectly marketable and sponsor-friendly NFL game. LAPDOGS will also contain Nano technology monitored by the massive NFL super satellite that controls 90% of the world's computers. To add what Goodell called “supervised realism,” each LAPDOG will possess few preset PTs (Penalty Tendencies), such as Pass Interference or Holding, to maintain what he called “a vintage flavor.”
The officiating crews will be comprised of similar robots known as AWFL (Arbitration Web-based Football Logikans). AWFL officials will be connected to the NFL super satellite, and be equipped with “supervised realism” technology in order to throw flags at random times, huddle together in bunches, and offer explanations using the word “survive.” A special set of AWFL Officials will be stationed in the New York Headquarters,--known as GOODAWFL--from whence they will render final computerized decisions without being restricted by the human condition known as “common sense.”
“The NFL has long set the bar in terms of modern sports entertainment,” Goodell said. “In recent years we have sought to perfect our product. We have made every effort to completely control every element of this lucrative enterprise we call professional sports.
“In order to do so, we had our team of IRS agents and biogenetic engineers rewrite the entire rulebook. We implemented modern technologies such as Replay, Super Slo-mo Replay, and Super Sloooooo-Mooooo HD 4K 29000 Bit Technology Replay. We gave our officials access to DNA and biometric data from the field of play, and equipped each goal line with micro-lasers and football recognition software. We also provided such revolutionary improvements as red challenge flags, flying cameras, and an Index Card to replace the human imperfections inherent in the traditional chain gang.
"Despite our best efforts at social and technological engineering, the modern human players and officials are still failing to achieve perfection. Moreover, some players continue to play the game for fun. They find it humorous to move the ball from center, try to grab the ball from an opponent under a pile, play Hide and Seek in the end zone, and dive across the end zone. Some have even gone so far as to think they've won a game without our consent.
“The modern NFL can no longer tolerate these outdated, prehistoric versions of our sport. Thus, beginning in 2020, we will replace the entire game with our own product. Although it will no longer include the human factor, it will be technologically superior. We predict that in a few years, no one will even remember that human beings once played this game."
When asked if he was angry about being replaced by robots, Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski appeared to twitch and said, "No comment."