Please (Don't) Send in the Clowns

I saw a not-so-funny tweet the other day. It said something like this:

HUMAN: Race riots, police shootings, politics, storms--2016 has been a bad year. What else could possibly go wrong?
GOD: Send in the clowns.

Seriously God, it's time to stop clowning around.

It has been a bad year for clowns in the United States. First, two clowns won the primary for their respective political parties; one a pompous orange blowhard with a genie-lamp hairdo; the other a cackling witch in a cinched-up 80's pants suit. These bothersome and humorless jesters have been dominating our screens and media with their clanging rhetoric, fear-mongering political strategies, and blow-torch personal charm. Now, as if it couldn't get any worse, the clowns have escaped the debates, slithered out of the town hall, and are loose on the streets. It isn't even Halloween yet, and clowns have multiplied like gremlins, terrorizing neighborhoods, frightening impressionable children, and wreaking havoc with law enforcement.

For those of us with coulrophobia, this is our worst nightmare. It makes the circus seem like a day at the beach. Forget the Zombie Apocalypse -- this is how it ends, folks. We'll be sitting in a booth at McDonalds, enjoying a cheeseburger and sipping on a shake when --SLASH! -- we discover that wasn't Ronald in the corner after all.

Clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right; here we are, stuck in the middle with fear.

Being afraid of clowns isn't new to rational people. A funny clown is an oxymoron. They've always been the epicenter of the fright universe for anyone with half a sense. Clowns are much scarier than spiders, ghosts, or swamp creatures. Clown horror movies are the absolute worst. There's something innately off-putting and sinister about even the most benign of clowns. Maybe it's the pasty makeup. Or the gaudy clothing. Or the grotesque grinning face, imagining you on a rotisserie. You know what the cannibal clown said while he was eating dinner? "This tastes funny."

So what could possibly be worse than an epidemic of clowns loose on our streets? How about clowns showing up in these places:

10) My backyard
9) The backseat of my car
8) My bedroom closet
7) Under my bed
6) My shower
5) The drain pipe in my shower (my goodness, have you never read It by Stephen King!?)
4) Behind the door to my office
3) Coming out of my computer screen, right now!
2) Standing right behind me, right now!
1) The White House

I rest my case. Clowns are most certainly the scariest thing on earth this year. God, if there's another way, please don't send in the clowns!